Occupied with gladness of heart?
August 12, 2011
This week, I have been contemplating Ecclesiates 5:18-20, “This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot. Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God. They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.”
I’ve come to understand a few things about myself this week. As far as I recall, I’ve been riding wave after wave of life and change, staying above water, and exceling at it. But all the while, I’m looking forward to the next calm. And the truth is, it’s never calm. Once one set of waves are out, another set arrives. With a lot of my friends, I feel like every time I update with them, I have a ton of new things to talk about. Meanwhile, they have absolutely nothing new to add. It had never really occured to me that this was the case. Why is my life this way? Do I choose it? And why do I gravitate towards friends who don’t have this kinda life? I think that is one of the things that has kept me single until now. My constantly moving life overwhelms the people I attract. It’s a strange conflict. Lately, I’ve been happy. I’ve met a number of friends whose lives are just as in motion, and it’s been really fun. It’s weird seeing older friends these days - reminds me of this stark difference. (Although I do appreciate how reliable the old friends are. Flakey friends can be so irritating…)
So I spend my life looking forward to the next period of calm. The real question is - if the calm came, would I even like it? Would I want it? I think the answer is no. I think the point is, I like how fluid and changing my life is. Sure, I need to have a home to come back to. I do like constancy. But at the same time, calm is not what I’m looking for. Perhaps then, I’ve been looking for the wrong kind of man. I need someone who can keep up. Someone who lives for the change as much as I do, but desires as much to have something constant to come home to.
The other surprisingly obvious thing that I’ve only just realized is… absolutely how much I hate studying. Amazing, since I’ve been doing it all my life, and doing so well with it too. After spending a hefty amount of money to write this exam next month, only now do I realize - why am I writing this? How did I get myself convinced that I had to do this? Why did I listen to other people’s advice without thinking this through clearly? A month left to re-learn everything, stuff I forgot because I absolutely do not need it. Stuff I never even learned in the first place, because I absolutely do not need it. I’ve barely begun, but the concept of having to do it has been driving me completely batty. My boss jokingly told me to use a “Book of Answers” to answer questions I had while she was on vacation. I asked it if I would pass this exam. It said, “You don’t really care.” So very, very true. So why did I throw so much money at doing this? I dunno. I guess it’s just another lesson learned.
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Twilight zone
July 10, 2011
Interesting place to get good advice, but I just read this from the daily notes below the For Better or For Worse online strip written by the cartoonist, Lynn Johnston:
“In 1974, after my first divorce, I dated a psychiatrist. One of his standby pieces of advice was to NOT think about serious things after midnight. This, he said, was a twilight zone where emotional fatigue and the onset of dreaming make sensible, rational thought all but impossible. He said it was best not go to bed angry, but at the same time, the chances of problem solving when you’re tired are slim.”
Maybe I should start to try living by that rule.
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There from here
July 3, 2011
Lying awake this night. Feeling at a loss again.
Last weekend was really awesome. My friends surprised me with really special things for my birthday, and it really made me feel unbelievably special. The icing on the cake was getting my best friend on Skype to join us for the celebations. It was the next best thing to her being there in person. It made me realize that I do have some very awesome friends!
The last week has seen a lot of people away from work, and the silence at the office, coupled with my looming deadlines, resulted in an amazing level of productivity for me.
So with all this great stuff going on, it seems odd that I would be tossing around in bed now feeling at a loss. But I am.
Mom has been visiting now for three weeks, and I love her and love having her around. I really do. But at the same time, it is draining. There is always something to criticize. Nothing is ever good enough. Plus she has this thing about going to bed early, and waking up at 11pm (sometimes 10pm… She doesnt actually look at the clock) whining that why am I not yet in bed? Why am I not studying? Why do I do this like that? It’s draining.
So why am I feeling at a loss? I am lying here thinking that I can’t see how my life will move forward. My goals for 2011? Not a single one closer to fruition, and I just don’t see how any of them will come along. And you know it’s not been for the lack of trying. My entire focus this year has been on getting these things done. But they’re not getting done. And it’s already July.
I feel like I will be stuck in this rut forever. Or fall into an abyss. I don’t know how I’m going to get there from here.
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Actions vs. words
April 22, 2011
Sometimes I don’t understand why people who aren’t particularly interested in something still feel obligated to use strong words and feign interest. I’ve heard that some people just feel they need to do this to be “nice”. But to be honest, it would be much nicer to speak the truth, instead of leaving people wondering and interpreting your actions. I wish people would just fess up and be honest.
Looking back on recent posts, apparently I was feeling overstretched. Let me just tell you now that this hasn’t improved despite efforts. A week in Hawaii for a conference, a week with my best friend in town, two weeks to work on papers and grants, and then another conference in Denver, two more weeks to work on papers and grants, and then two weeks vacation… and then grants due! Been going out so much and staying up so much for traveling and visitors, that I’m totally drained. Haven’t been eating properly, and struggling to get all the exercise in that I need to.
That said, I should update on the 2011 Plan of Action:
- Career plan - One manuscript accepted, one rejected and being reworked for resubmission. Grant writing in progress. 2012 situation… still nothing solid yet. Apparently on track. We shall see.
- Health plan - Hard to prioritize with everything else going on. With my mind used to working on a reward basis, it’s hard to try to curtail caloric intake AND money expenditure without causing some degree of undesired grief. Initial gains in January (lost 5 lbs) have since negated. Will need to think up more drastic means. I actually talked to my doctor about it this week, and she was surprised how much exercise I do. Didn’t have anything really helpful to add. Frustrating.
- Personal life plan - Well, boyfriend gained and lost. That was quick. Surpring whirlwind that blew in like a storm and burned out with little notice. Unfortunate, since I was starting to gain confidence in it. Does this count as having attained the goal in this aspect? I didn’t specify the duration of the relationship. Haha… not sure at this point what I want to do with this segment, and will probably have to give it a rest while I concentrate on the other two. At least I’m putting adequate time for my friends. I threw a party last weekend and invited a bunch of friends from different avenues of my life, and was pleasantly surprised how great everyone got along. Was a lot of fun! I have pretty crazy friends. You know what they say about birds of a feather…
I’ll admit, the first paragraph of this post has to do with this 3rd goal - men. Maybe in light of the discussion, you will understand why I feel like I just don’t have the time or energy to deal with half-assed men. Not sure why they even bother.
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The good things
April 3, 2011
Lou Rhodes - Why
You told me I was beautiful and held me oh so tight
So I dwelt on my ugliness and hid away my light
Tell me why, oh why, can’t we let the good things in
I wanna know why, oh why, can’t we let the good things in
You said that you’d loved me before you saw my face
So I waited and watched for another girl to take my place
Tell me why, oh why, can’t we let the good things in
I wanna know why, oh why, can’t we let the good things in
So much of what I’d hoped for I couldn’t let it be
So I made me a world where you had to leave…
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When things go well…
March 5, 2011
…I stop posting in my blog. To be honest, I haven’t had time to think, let alone think about writing about it. I’ve been busy so many nights and weekends (going out, to the gym, and also church!) that:
- The food in my freezer that I cooked 2-3 weeks ago is going to continue to last me another 2-3 weeks.
- I got the first Harry Potter movie on my desk for over a week, but haven’t had enough free time to watch it.
- I barely have time to do laundry.
- I can’t keep proper track of my caloric intake.
This is what I really should do to remedy this:
- I’ve quit one of the two online dating sites I’m on.
- I need to schedule in some more “me” time.
- I need to eat that stuff in my freezer! Maybe for lunch… hm…
- Focus my attention on people who are important.
Indeed, all the things I’ve been busy with have been part of my 2011 Plan of Action. So I suppose I’d have to report that things are still on track!
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Baby’s Way
February 20, 2011
by Rabindranath Tagore
If baby only wanted to, he could fly up to heaven this moment.
It is not for nothing that he does not leave us.
He loves to rest his head on mother’s bosom, and cannot ever
…bear to lose sight of her.
Baby know all manner of wise words, though few on earth can
understand their meaning. It is not for nothing that he never wants to
speak. The one thing he wants is to learn mother’s words from mother’s
lips. That is why he looks so innocent.
Baby had a heap of gold and pearls, yet he came like a beggar
on to this earth. It is not for nothing he came in such a disguise. This
dear little naked mendicant pretends to be utterly helpless, so that he
may beg for mother’s wealth of love.
Baby was so free from every tie in the land of the tiny
crescent moon. It was not for nothing he gave up his freedom.
He knows that there is room for endless joy in mother’s little
corner of a heart, and it is sweeter far than liberty to be caught
and pressed in her dear arms.
Baby never knew how to cry. He dwelt in the land of perfect
bliss. It is not for nothing he has chosen to shed tears.
Though with the smile of his dear face he draws mother’s
yearning heart to him, yet his little cries over tiny troubles
weave the double bond of pity and love.
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Early morning ramblings
February 19, 2011
Could it be that I’m caught up on sleep? Went out on Friday after work for happy hour wine and snacks, then dinner with friends. Ended up sleeping early at 10pm because of a bad migraine. Now it’s 2am and I’m wide-eyed awake. I know that when people get enough sleep, they do wake up around this time and spend a while contemplating about things before going back to sleep. Could this be why I’m so uncharacteristically alert?
Two things on my mind: a potential job phone meeting this weekend and more dating questions. First of all, I have a phone meeting with the potential future boss this weekend. It might happen in a few hours or tomorrow… Not much to say about it, aside from just that it’s happening…
Dating questions. I’ve been talking to some friends about this one. Established that I’m a so-called “CBC”. One friend asked me, why do I want to find myself another CBC/ABC to be with? Honestly, if I had to identify with one culture, it’s not English North American, nor is it Chinese. But it’s this entirely different culture of being North American-born Chinese. I love and am well familiar with Chinese culture, specifically Hong Kong culture. I grew up on Cantopop, Hong Kong TV dramas, McMug, Hong Kong foods, and Cantonese language. I’ve done Chinese dance, tai chi, and guqin playing. I read and write the language. I still do arithmetic in Cantonese. I pray in Cantonese. So it makes sense to me to want to find someone who has some identification with this side of me. But at the same time, I have distinctly Western interests and lifestyle that really wouldn’t work with someone who was truly Chinese culture-based. So when it comes down to who I would be most comfortable living with for the rest of my life, it would have to be someone else who is CBC/ABC. Because they would understand me best at a fundamental level, and thus be most easy to communicate with. So that’s what I’ve been looking for. Not a white person, not a Chinese person, not a “banana”, but a CBC/ABC.
But for some reason I cannot fathom, the ABCs don’t seem to have particular attraction to me. It seems the white men have much more interest in getting to know me better. I’ve noticed that I’m the one sending first messages to the ABCs, but the whites are the ones sending me the first messages. And they’re way more interested in keeping up the interaction. Is it just that they are less inhibited in their approach? Or really is it that my person as an entirety is more attractive to someone who is white? I used to think that it was just me being attracted to them. But now with dating websites, it’s clear that they are the ones doing the approaching, not I.
Another issue. I’d like to be with someone who shares my faith. A Christian. But it seems that, at least in the United States, Christian Chinese have a very sheltered, focused sub-culture, which has absolutely no bearing on the common American culture in which I was raised and comfortable with. It’s all very confusing. Am I just being too picky? Thinking about this too hard?
I know that in the end I only need to find one person who is right for me. And I know that he very likely isn’t the way I specifically envision it. I’m OK with that. I think fundamentally I just need someone who is strong on their morals, but also has a questioning mind to not blindly swallow what the world throws at him. But who and when? When is it that God intends for me to find this person? And is he even out there?
At this point, I’m more sure about the existence of God than the existence of Man.
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Stressed
February 15, 2011
I’m stressed. This last month or so has been so intense on so many different levels. Three cities, big job talk, rollercoaster ride regarding this job, manuscript rejection / resubmission, two weeks on clinical service, a weekend where I felt like I was fighting fire after fire, getting into online dating, resurfacing of old emotional wounds… You’d think that exercise should be a stress-reliever, but the pressure to get myself to the gym or exercising in some way has also been a source of stress. Then the migraines of course, which come with high stress, only make things even worse. And then the migraines keep me from going to the gym, making things even worse. Sleep deprivation for one reason or another. Too much caffeine to keep myself going for all the things going on. Everything just snowballing all together…
I know that despite all of this, things have been going exceedingly well. Real progress with the job front. Lost 5 lbs. Met some really nice people. Learned a lot about myself. Really did help patients in significant ways.
Plus now I’m coming on a lull again. Aside from planning the next onslaught of craziness. An exam to apply for. Three major trips to plan for April-June. A manuscript to get out. All this needs to be done before March rolls around. But it’s relatively peaceful stuff.
Can’t wait for my head to settle down.
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Montreal pride
February 14, 2011
I’m very proud that a Montreal band won big at the Grammies! Actually I love these old lyrics from Arcade Fire. They hold such wisdom…
Something filled up my heart with nothing
Someone told me not to cry
But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder
And I can see that it’s a lie
Children, wake up, hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust
If the children don’t grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
We’re just a million little gods causing rainstorms
Turning every good thing to rust
I guess we’ll just have to adjust
With my lightning bolts a-glowin’
I can see where I am going to be
When the reaper, he reaches and touches my hand
With my lightning bolts a-glowin’
I can see where I am going
You better look out below!
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