The present
July 8, 2012
May the grace of Christ our Saviour, and the Father’s boundless love,
With the Holy Spirit’s favour, rest upon us from above.
Thus may we abide in union with each other and the Lord,
And possess in sweet communion joys which this world cannot afford.
I suppose looking back, I should not be surprised at how much this summer is feeling like limbo. Both my past and my future feel like distant dreams, and I am stuck in a situation that I cannot fully comprehend or appreciate. I had made elaborate plans for the time before now, and the fruits of my labour begin after now. Which makes now a very awkward place to be. Two months worth of awkwardness.
I’m between jobs. My stuff is all in storage. I’ve moved out of my last place and am waiting to move into my next. My boyfriend is still over there while I’m over here.
I look back on my last few years and the happy life I had made for myself seems like a distant dream. I look forward to my upcoming life and it seems like an abstract concept. The whole I idea of taking a month off for vacation between jobs seemed like a great idea beforehand, but I’ve found myself feeling lost.
Happiness seems so very far away and out of grasp.
I know if you take stock of all the things that are happening to me, I should be endlessly grateful and happy. But in the midst of it, it’s unbelievably stressful. It also doesn’t help that I miss him so very dearly.
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Change is scary
May 4, 2012
Things have been overwhelming lately, because the many things I have been working so hard towards for years are finally coming to fruition, and it’s unnerving and scary to finally be attaining them. Big things in my life all happening at the same time - both work and personal life. I know that these have all been part of my Plans of Action for 2011 and 2012, but still.
In regards to work, when I first set out on this four year adventure, I had in my head what the ideal situation would be and assumed that it was an impossibility. In fact, that is what I was told outright. A year later than hoped, but everything seems to have fallen into place in ways beyond what I could possibly have dreamed for. The people I wanted to work with AND the place I wanted to work all combined into one? Seriously? And yet, it is still scary, because of the gravity of it. The expectations and responsibilities, which perhaps may be overestimated on my part. Honestly, the big issue here is change.
In regards to personal life, in the four years I came out here, I found myself a best friend and a boyfriend. The best friend is on a different continent, which sucks, but still. Also a boyfriend who really seems like he’s in it for the long haul. Several times, he has verbalized what it was about us that he loved so much, but I found myself at a loss for the right words to explain. I’m comfortable and happy with him. Just like the reason why I love my career, there isn’t some big explanation. I feel RIGHT with him. I love him. I just do.
But in the process of all these things happening, comes the need for change. A big move, perhaps some time apart from him while we settle into our new lives. And yet still some uncertainty regarding his work situation.
It’s funny why this all seems so difficult to me, and I’ve wondered about it. Most people get into this situation of major life-determining events at much younger ages and seem to deal with things just fine. A generation or two ago, women my age would be married with several children, and their life would basically be determined. They would have settled into their routine already, and not still trying to figure out how everything is going to fall into place. They all seem to have done just fine. But here I am, developmentally delayed. What people once did in their late teens, now we do in our thirties.
In the midst of all this change, the third item on the Plan of Action has fallen to the wayside. Last fall, I had lost 13 lbs in 6 weeks, but at this point I don’t even know how much I’ve regained. Wow… 13 lbs in 6 weeks. In the midst of all this change, do you think that I could replicate that again? Reach my goal this year? I wonder what it would take.
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Self-respect
January 24, 2012
Despite not doing what I meant to do, tonight has been productive.
The past year, I’ve written quite a bit about my 2011 Plan of Action. Its success led me to update it to a 2012 Plan of Action. Same three basic categories, updated goals. The health plan, the career plan, the personal life plan… Each section had a number of bullet points, and I realized it had become quite complicated. A few days ago, I distilled it into three main items. Lose 15 lbs. Get the job I want. Have the relationship I need.
Something I have been struggling over the past while has been how I don’t feel worthy of the things that have come to me. I don’t see why I’m worthy of my job successes and opportunities. I don’t understand why my boyfriend loves me the way he does. It’s always a little nagging feeling in my head of what little thing will happen to make everyone realize how unworthy I am of everything.
Tonight, I had some work-related stuff I wanted to get done, but ended up watching some documentary about obesity. One particular point hit home - God gave us this body, and we should respect it. It’s weird because that’s not even the point of the documentary, but that is the point I needed. It dawned on me that my Plan of Action, distilled into three points, can be distilled even further into a single word. Self-respect.
Losing weight and getting healthy is about respecting my God-given body. Attaining the job I want is about respecting my abilities enough to tell people what I need. And the relationship thing? Really it is about respecting myself enough to appreciate that I deserve to be loved.
So despite there being three major action points to 2012, the basic goal is to learn to respect myself, and stand up for what I deserve. The 2011 Plan of Action was a success. 2012 is about completing and consolidating these successes, moving forward with them, but most importantly realizing why.
Happy New Year.
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Uncharted territory
November 18, 2011
Today 5pm marked where my life diverged from my expected plan for the last few years. It marked the point in time when I was planning on taking off from this job, traveling, and then moving on to my new job - the one that should already have been ready and waiting for me. I had planned to finish up a number of projects this month, then pack up my life for a big move. And finally settling down somewhere.
This week at work I found myself reaching a point of not really knowing what to do next. The last couple of months has consisted of discovering that my life was not going to be what I thought it would be. The job plans getting totally discombobulated. My understanding of existing friendships being questioned, and seeing people in a new light. Falling in love when I was least expecting, and discovering that indeed what I was looking for was something that really existed.
Perhaps my entire world view that I’ve developed over the last few years here has been completely turned on its head. Suddenly I find myself having to come to terms with this new reality. Indeed my prayers have always been that my love would find me, and that things would happen in the way that would be best for me, and for God to use me in the way He had planned for me. I never did pray to get the precise things I was working for. What I’ve come to realize is that no matter how much you plan, things will happen in ways and in a pace that it has to, and that way is often not what you think should be right. But the beauty is - reality is better.
So now I face two weeks of work, during a time when I should already be on vacation. Then I will go on an abbreviated version of the vacation, and come back here. Work here. Grow my love here. And have some more time again to figure out what it is that I really should be doing with myself.
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Motivation
October 24, 2011
It’s funny how the need to organize myself to study for an exam can be channeled into obsessively tracking my diet and exercise to result in 13 lbs of weight loss in 6 weeks. It’s not so funny how once the exam was over, that resolve to continue the diet and exercise to finish the weight loss disappeared. So net weight loss at this point is 10 lbs. The goal was originally to finish losing 25 lbs by Black Friday, so I could get myself a whole new wardrobe, but this is no longer a healthy option. Although, if I regained my resolve somehow starting today, I could still lose 10 lbs by then. “If” being the operative word.
Doesn’t help that in a couple of days I’ll be heading down South to the land of Paula Deen. Have you seen the food out in those parts? With the schedule there and the food, I seriously don’t think that I’ll be adhering to a weight-loss diet for the next week. So if I start a week later, then 8 lbs weight loss if I start in a week.
See? It’s helpful to write things out like this for myself, because 8 lbs less is plenty. I’d be overjoyed if I was successful at that. So I guess the goal now is to not gain anything this week, and get back to tracking obsessively when I return.
Wish me luck.
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Don’t pinch me
October 4, 2011
The last few weeks has been so unreal. After months and months of trudging through fog, all these amazing things have been happening to me! Granted, I did put a lot of effort into making most of these things happen. However, there was no promise that any of it would go this well, and definitely not everything is going the way I expected. Goes to show that sometimes you really don’t know what is best for you. I really do believe that there is a God looking out for me and guiding my life.
What’s been going on? Significant advancements in my 2011 Plan of Action. I’ve lost 12 lbs since August - totally on track to attaining my goal weight by December. My grants are submitted. Exam is done. Big manuscript is accepted - and they even want to interview me for a media packet because they think this is going to be big news! There are some very interesting and unexpected developments on the job front, and some security in the short-term to stay here while I figure this out. And I found the most amazing boyfriend! I feel so completely at home with him, and time seems to be of no consequence, at once both lengthened and shortened. For the few short weeks I’ve known him, it feels like I’ve known him forever. And when we talk or hang out, time seems to disappear. It’s the most amazing thing that I can’t explain. Is this the love that people talk about? That blog post on September 11 - is that what we call foreshadowing?
It really feels like none of this can possibly be real, like I’m in a really long dream and at any moment now I’ll wake up. I’m also feeling a little scared of expressing this joy, like if I dare to share it, it will be taken from me.
Please don’t pinch me. I don’t want to wake from this dream.
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Fooled
October 2, 2011
Here is a situation where I have had the most amazing, happy, and blessed week, and yet the only thing I’m going to blog about is one bad thing.
Sometimes, you find something out about the people you care the most about, and it makes you question everything you’ve come to believe is true. I was trying to counsel a good friend of mine about someone tonight, trying to make her realize the truth about them. Only the result was that I realized that, not only she, but I as well, have been fools. Fools. Fooled.
At this point, I’m thinking about whether or not I should just cut my losses.
It’s funny, reading back on older blog posts. At one point a few posts ago, I talked about how my new friends differed from my old. I think what I’m realizing now, is the old ones are the ones who I can rely on. These new ones? Fleeting. “People in motion.” “Fun.” Unreliable. Clearly I don’t really know what I need or want. What I need are people who I can rely on to be there, who I can rely to make the effort to be there. Alas, a lesson learned.
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Simple yet elusive
September 11, 2011
I saw this video today, a moving recount of a couple’s undying love. They make it seem so simple, open, and honest. It makes me think. All my attempts at relationships lately have been so complicated. So many things to think about. So much using your brain to analyze and decide. And yet, love that works and lasts doesn’t involve any of this. Perhaps, I wonder, we’re going about this all wrong?
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And yet…
September 1, 2011
…it is so very hard to keep marching on, when you keep hitting on dead ends and you have no idea if anything you’ve put your heart and soul into is having any effect whatsoever. God, it has been so long that I’ve been working in the fog. Please shed some light soon.
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Keep marching on
August 30, 2011
I’m unbelievably stressed. Trying to remind myself to just keep marching on and let things unfold as they will. I do believe that God has his hand in my life, and things will happen on His terms, not mine. Any amount of planning always just gets thrown out the window.
A good friend of mine in her late 30s has been trying to have a baby. She recently got married and started down the path. After disappointing doctors visits, failed IVF, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy… apparently her ovaries are shutting down. It just makes me think again about how, no matter how much we want to do things on our schedule, life doesn’t happen that way.
Lately I’ve been preoccupied with two things. Writing a big grant and studying for a big exam. Both are due in about a month. The grant is a five year thing, and is forcing me to plan intricate details out to 2019. I keep thinking, of all the details I’m putting in it, what is my personal life going to be like in 2019? Where will I be? I haven’t a clue. I barely even have a clue about what I’ll be doing in a few months, let alone years. And this exam? Why am I writing it? I dunno, but I’m sure having lots of trouble getting into studying for it.
So I’m stuck with the same conclusion. Just keep marching on. Doing what I have to do. And trusting God to lead me down the right path. Maybe it’s not my plan. Maybe it’s not what I expect. But I sure won’t get there if I don’t keep walking. Now I just need to keep reminding me of this.
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