Getting from A to B
February 10, 2011
I joined a few online dating sites about a month or so ago. A friend of mine told me that it would be a learning experience for who I was, and turns out she was right. I figured, on the get go, that I knew precisely what I wanted. Turns out I was so wrong. Turns out I no longer knew what it was I needed to get from A to B.
I’m “thinking out loud” again.
People have asked. Why am I still single? Turns out the answer is that I wasn’t ready to not be single. Somewhere in undergrad, I built up a wall of protection. Armed with that, I threw myself at impossible relationships, knowing full well I didn’t intend for anything to happen with them. Threw myself at them with gusto and fury. And then found ways to extricate myself. Over the years, I presumed that’s what I needed to get from A to B.
But what really is the way I should go from A to B? In the last month I’ve found myself gravitating to those who take things slowly, and balking at it at the same time. And yet it turns out I also balked at those who went fast. It seems that throwing myself at it is no longer my style either. Seems that when it matters, that’s not how it works. Is it just that I’ve not found the right guy with the right balance of the two, or is it that I really just don’t know what it is I want anymore?
I used to think - who cares about the path needed to get there, as long as you get yourself somehow to B? Turns out the path is important, and I guess time will tell which works.
Or maybe, the exact path doesn’t matter, as long as it’s with the right person?
Comments: No Comments »
Waves
February 8, 2011
This past month has been way too many ups and downs, messed up sleep/wake hours, stress, caffeine… It’s doing a horrid number on my headaches. I need to balance out my life…
Comments: No Comments »
Plan of Action Update
February 5, 2011
I woke up this morning and realized that my 2011 Plan of Action is ON TRACK! This year will be the best ever!
Can’t say I felt that way in the last week though. Maybe once a month (oh that lovely time of the month) I should just lock myself in my room and turn off all communications so that I don’t make a fool of myself and mess everything up. This was a particularly bad month, probably relating to the stress I’ve been under, and I really feel that I have let my temporary insanity translate into negative interpersonal interactions. Why does it take the retrospectoscope to see how well things are going? Why can’t I just enjoy them as they arise?
My mom just read me the Chinese horoscope predictions for my animal sign (snake). Apparently this year is a great year for travelling abroad, and also finding new great jobs in a different country! I’m really hoping this is accurate now. Also it says that single snakes need to pay attention to potential mates when traveling abroad, or at potential mates who have recently returned from traveling abroad or who are visiting from other countries. That’s… interesting…
Also, I notice that I’ve been more contemplative in the last week than I’ve been in total for the last five years. You can tell, judging by the flurry of blog posts. I need to recover my balance.
Comments: No Comments »
Music playlist
February 4, 2011
This is what I’ve been listening to lately:
Comments: No Comments »
On faking it
February 4, 2011
A topic that a good friend of mine have talked about for a while now. As doctors and scientists, we are used to acting a certain way to get to where we are now career-wise, and it’s worked. And then it’s puzzling when the same mindset does not work for dating.
The way I have always functioned, since childhood, is I’ll put my heart into anything I try. Truthfully, I can’t get myself to do something unless I really want to do it. And you can’t know if you want to do it, until you’ve tried it. So my strategy has always been to assume I love something, try it, give it a good chance, and decide later if it’s indeed something I want to keep doing. As a result, I’ve found a lot of things interesting. As a result, my teachers in many different fields have assumed I was going to do that for a career. It’s ranged from accounting to journalism to sciences to medicine.
In regards to career, this technique has worked very well. “Fake it until you make it.” That’s the slogan for when things get tough. It’s a technique that has gotten me quite far with my career. Did I really think that I’d get the jobs and grants I have when I applied for them? Not at all. Doesn’t mean other people can’t think I should. It also works wonders with patients, this wonderful thing called patience. Persistently being nice to screaming children or frustrated parents until they see that you really are there to help them.
However, although this tactic also works wonders with making friends, it seems to entirely be useless when trying to find a date! I guess I’ve always maintained my same strategy with men. Keep my mind open, presume the person is likeable, and give them a good chance. Because I can’t get myself to want to get to know them better if I don’t believe this in my own head. But it seems that men don’t want women to seem interested. I dunno. It’s all very confusing.
Why can’t something that works wonders in every single other aspect, fall so flat on its face for this one?
Comments: 6 Comments »
Happy New Year!
February 2, 2011
Gung hey fat choy!
Comments: No Comments »
Vete a la mierda
February 1, 2011
The final common resting place of all the J’s who have hurt me in the past. Because I’m moving on.
Comments: No Comments »
Closure
February 1, 2011
Last night, I wrote a poorly formed blog post of random thoughts and feelings. But I think it’s becoming clearer to me now why I’ve been so upset. I don’t even remember being this kind of upset since then. Since that guy in college, I’ve not had any interest in other Chinese men. Now that I’ve begun talking to some Chinese men, it’s all coming back to the surface. Around the time I knew this guy was when I started seriously getting into the internet. It was also when I grew into my own in regards to my Christian faith.
I told a good friend of mine the story of this guy today. It was nice to hear her acknowledge that I never got a chance to have closure or finally put away the pain he had caused. She pointed out that this must be why I continue to have this fear of people turning on me for no reason. It’s why I’ve become so insistent on being honest and up-front. I hadn’t even noticed that I’ve been avoiding Chinese men since him.
It wasn’t even the time we spent as friends that bothered me. In fact, it was the seven long years of being actively shunned that has haunted me for so long. In those seven years, he hurt me more than anyone else ever has.
I think finally I have clarity on this problem, and I really do believe that it’s time to move past it. I’m not going to get closure from him now. It doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t need his closure. It’s time I let myself be free of this.
Kiki will fly again.
Comments: No Comments »
Kiki falling from the sky
January 31, 2011
I think the emotional floodgates came pouring forth tonight. So many feelings rushing out at one time.
I started out this year with a Plan of Action. And the year came rushing at me as all the aspects of the plan came crashing down on me all at the same time. It’s been exciting, and there’s been many great aspects. But at the same time it’s been overwhelming and tiring. Crash after crash it came down, and I’ve been bracing to keep up with the pace. Things I had to do. Things that happened. Opportunities that arose. Some that went nowhere, others that really seem like great opportunities. No clear vision of how everything would come together, but all of it coming at me anyway. I was bracing to it. Trying to ride with it. I think tonight it finally came crumbling down.
I’m tired. I need a break but there isn’t time for one.
A side story…
Fourteen years ago, I met a guy who really affected me. He used to call me every night to chat at pretty much exactly 9pm. I never knew why he did that, never asked him to, but it was nice. Then after Christmas, he started avoiding me. Pathologically. I distinctly remember standing in the elevator, watching his face twist into a knot as he turned around to take the stairs up 6 flights instead. I still remember him walking off the sidewalk into the street when our paths crossed. I remember his friend seeing me, and dragging him the other direction. I can never forget that look he would give me. He never explained himself. Never gave me a chance to discuss why he was doing what he did. Being that we had our studies in the same building, this went on for SEVEN YEARS until I moved out of the city. Maybe for the first year of this, I would cry at 9pm. But that had been a long time ago. I had forgotten about it.
This last month I made a friend. Turns out he has the same Chinese name as that previous guy. I told my new friend about it. I didn’t think much of it. A curiosity. A mere blip in my history.
I just watched Kiki’s Delivery Service tonight, about a young witch who loses her ability to fly until she figures out what she’s doing it for. Suddenly I felt powerless, like Kiki tumbling out of the sky.
And it was 9pm.
Comments: No Comments »
The Retrospectoscope
January 22, 2011
One of my teachers liked to use this word, “retrospectoscope”. Everything is a lot clearer when you have access to one. I was just browsing through my latest blog entries, and noticed how lost and frustrated it all sounds. And indeed, when I was in the midst of living through it, that is what it felt like.
Last month, I had to write an annual report for the agency that is supplying the majority of my salary. It is a career development award, so I had to write about all the things that I have done in the last year. As I wrote it all out, it surprised me how much I actually got done. Living through it felt like I was stuck in a rut and not getting anything going right, but with the power of the retrospectoscope, I realized that indeed I had been very productive in 2010.
2011 has started off with a bang. After being encouraged by all I had done in 2010, I put together a Plan of Action for 2011. Things I want to achieve this year. Not “New Year’s Resolutions” that are meant to be broken, but a “Plan of Action”. A kind of a “To Do List”. Things I can check off once they’re achieved. They are categorized in different domains: my career, my health, and my personal life. And the first few weeks of the year have seen great strides in most of these areas! In fact, it’s been a bit overwhelming. Not that I’m complaining, but it has been hard to stick to the plan. The year has barely begun, and I’m already tired!
Need to keep reminding myself of the retrospectoscope. And of the Plan of Action.
Comments: No Comments »