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Getting from A to B

February 10, 2011

I joined a few online dating sites about a month or so ago. A friend of mine told me that it would be a learning experience for who I was, and turns out she was right. I figured, on the get go, that I knew precisely what I wanted. Turns out I was so wrong. Turns out I no longer knew what it was I needed to get from A to B.

I’m “thinking out loud” again.

People have asked. Why am I still single? Turns out the answer is that I wasn’t ready to not be single. Somewhere in undergrad, I built up a wall of protection. Armed with that, I threw myself at impossible relationships, knowing full well I didn’t intend for anything to happen with them. Threw myself at them with gusto and fury. And then found ways to extricate myself. Over the years, I presumed that’s what I needed to get from A to B.

But what really is the way I should go from A to B? In the last month I’ve found myself gravitating to those who take things slowly, and balking at it at the same time. And yet it turns out I also balked at those who went fast. It seems that throwing myself at it is no longer my style either. Seems that when it matters, that’s not how it works. Is it just that I’ve not found the right guy with the right balance of the two, or is it that I really just don’t know what it is I want anymore?

I used to think - who cares about the path needed to get there, as long as you get yourself somehow to B? Turns out the path is important, and I guess time will tell which works.

Or maybe, the exact path doesn’t matter, as long as it’s with the right person?

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