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February 1, 2011

Last night, I wrote a poorly formed blog post of random thoughts and feelings. But I think it’s becoming clearer to me now why I’ve been so upset. I don’t even remember being this kind of upset since then. Since that guy in college, I’ve not had any interest in other Chinese men. Now that I’ve begun talking to some Chinese men, it’s all coming back to the surface. Around the time I knew this guy was when I started seriously getting into the internet. It was also when I grew into my own in regards to my Christian faith.

I told a good friend of mine the story of this guy today. It was nice to hear her acknowledge that I never got a chance to have closure or finally put away the pain he had caused. She pointed out that this must be why I continue to have this fear of people turning on me for no reason. It’s why I’ve become so insistent on being honest and up-front. I hadn’t even noticed that I’ve been avoiding Chinese men since him.

It wasn’t even the time we spent as friends that bothered me. In fact, it was the seven long years of being actively shunned that has haunted me for so long. In those seven years, he hurt me more than anyone else ever has.

I think finally I have clarity on this problem, and I really do believe that it’s time to move past it. I’m not going to get closure from him now. It doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t need his closure. It’s time I let myself be free of this.

Kiki will fly again.