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Kiki falling from the sky

January 31, 2011

I think the emotional floodgates came pouring forth tonight. So many feelings rushing out at one time.

I started out this year with a Plan of Action. And the year came rushing at me as all the aspects of the plan came crashing down on me all at the same time. It’s been exciting, and there’s been many great aspects. But at the same time it’s been overwhelming and tiring. Crash after crash it came down, and I’ve been bracing to keep up with the pace. Things I had to do. Things that happened. Opportunities that arose. Some that went nowhere, others that really seem like great opportunities. No clear vision of how everything would come together, but all of it coming at me anyway. I was bracing to it. Trying to ride with it. I think tonight it finally came crumbling down.

I’m tired. I need a break but there isn’t time for one.

A side story…

Fourteen years ago, I met a guy who really affected me. He used to call me every night to chat at pretty much exactly 9pm. I never knew why he did that, never asked him to, but it was nice. Then after Christmas, he started avoiding me. Pathologically. I distinctly remember standing in the elevator, watching his face twist into a knot as he turned around to take the stairs up 6 flights instead. I still remember him walking off the sidewalk into the street when our paths crossed. I remember his friend seeing me, and dragging him the other direction. I can never forget that look he would give me. He never explained himself. Never gave me a chance to discuss why he was doing what he did. Being that we had our studies in the same building, this went on for SEVEN YEARS until I moved out of the city. Maybe for the first year of this, I would cry at 9pm. But that had been a long time ago. I had forgotten about it.

This last month I made a friend. Turns out he has the same Chinese name as that previous guy. I told my new friend about it. I didn’t think much of it. A curiosity. A mere blip in my history.

I just watched Kiki’s Delivery Service tonight, about a young witch who loses her ability to fly until she figures out what she’s doing it for. Suddenly I felt powerless, like Kiki tumbling out of the sky.

And it was 9pm.