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Early morning ramblings
February 19, 2011
Could it be that I’m caught up on sleep? Went out on Friday after work for happy hour wine and snacks, then dinner with friends. Ended up sleeping early at 10pm because of a bad migraine. Now it’s 2am and I’m wide-eyed awake. I know that when people get enough sleep, they do wake up around this time and spend a while contemplating about things before going back to sleep. Could this be why I’m so uncharacteristically alert?
Two things on my mind: a potential job phone meeting this weekend and more dating questions. First of all, I have a phone meeting with the potential future boss this weekend. It might happen in a few hours or tomorrow… Not much to say about it, aside from just that it’s happening…
Dating questions. I’ve been talking to some friends about this one. Established that I’m a so-called “CBC”. One friend asked me, why do I want to find myself another CBC/ABC to be with? Honestly, if I had to identify with one culture, it’s not English North American, nor is it Chinese. But it’s this entirely different culture of being North American-born Chinese. I love and am well familiar with Chinese culture, specifically Hong Kong culture. I grew up on Cantopop, Hong Kong TV dramas, McMug, Hong Kong foods, and Cantonese language. I’ve done Chinese dance, tai chi, and guqin playing. I read and write the language. I still do arithmetic in Cantonese. I pray in Cantonese. So it makes sense to me to want to find someone who has some identification with this side of me. But at the same time, I have distinctly Western interests and lifestyle that really wouldn’t work with someone who was truly Chinese culture-based. So when it comes down to who I would be most comfortable living with for the rest of my life, it would have to be someone else who is CBC/ABC. Because they would understand me best at a fundamental level, and thus be most easy to communicate with. So that’s what I’ve been looking for. Not a white person, not a Chinese person, not a “banana”, but a CBC/ABC.
But for some reason I cannot fathom, the ABCs don’t seem to have particular attraction to me. It seems the white men have much more interest in getting to know me better. I’ve noticed that I’m the one sending first messages to the ABCs, but the whites are the ones sending me the first messages. And they’re way more interested in keeping up the interaction. Is it just that they are less inhibited in their approach? Or really is it that my person as an entirety is more attractive to someone who is white? I used to think that it was just me being attracted to them. But now with dating websites, it’s clear that they are the ones doing the approaching, not I.
Another issue. I’d like to be with someone who shares my faith. A Christian. But it seems that, at least in the United States, Christian Chinese have a very sheltered, focused sub-culture, which has absolutely no bearing on the common American culture in which I was raised and comfortable with. It’s all very confusing. Am I just being too picky? Thinking about this too hard?
I know that in the end I only need to find one person who is right for me. And I know that he very likely isn’t the way I specifically envision it. I’m OK with that. I think fundamentally I just need someone who is strong on their morals, but also has a questioning mind to not blindly swallow what the world throws at him. But who and when? When is it that God intends for me to find this person? And is he even out there?
At this point, I’m more sure about the existence of God than the existence of Man.
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