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Occupied with gladness of heart?
August 12, 2011
This week, I have been contemplating Ecclesiates 5:18-20, “This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot. Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God. They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.”
I’ve come to understand a few things about myself this week. As far as I recall, I’ve been riding wave after wave of life and change, staying above water, and exceling at it. But all the while, I’m looking forward to the next calm. And the truth is, it’s never calm. Once one set of waves are out, another set arrives. With a lot of my friends, I feel like every time I update with them, I have a ton of new things to talk about. Meanwhile, they have absolutely nothing new to add. It had never really occured to me that this was the case. Why is my life this way? Do I choose it? And why do I gravitate towards friends who don’t have this kinda life? I think that is one of the things that has kept me single until now. My constantly moving life overwhelms the people I attract. It’s a strange conflict. Lately, I’ve been happy. I’ve met a number of friends whose lives are just as in motion, and it’s been really fun. It’s weird seeing older friends these days - reminds me of this stark difference. (Although I do appreciate how reliable the old friends are. Flakey friends can be so irritating…)
So I spend my life looking forward to the next period of calm. The real question is - if the calm came, would I even like it? Would I want it? I think the answer is no. I think the point is, I like how fluid and changing my life is. Sure, I need to have a home to come back to. I do like constancy. But at the same time, calm is not what I’m looking for. Perhaps then, I’ve been looking for the wrong kind of man. I need someone who can keep up. Someone who lives for the change as much as I do, but desires as much to have something constant to come home to.
The other surprisingly obvious thing that I’ve only just realized is… absolutely how much I hate studying. Amazing, since I’ve been doing it all my life, and doing so well with it too. After spending a hefty amount of money to write this exam next month, only now do I realize - why am I writing this? How did I get myself convinced that I had to do this? Why did I listen to other people’s advice without thinking this through clearly? A month left to re-learn everything, stuff I forgot because I absolutely do not need it. Stuff I never even learned in the first place, because I absolutely do not need it. I’ve barely begun, but the concept of having to do it has been driving me completely batty. My boss jokingly told me to use a “Book of Answers” to answer questions I had while she was on vacation. I asked it if I would pass this exam. It said, “You don’t really care.” So very, very true. So why did I throw so much money at doing this? I dunno. I guess it’s just another lesson learned.
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