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On not reaching out and not drawing the line
April 22, 2010
In parallel to the gradual transition I’ve taken from trainee to full physician, the workload has crept up on me. First it was a hectic January. After that, when I thought things would be light again, I realized things would continue to be hectic until early June. Now I realize things will continue to be hectic until October. Which basically means - it’ll never be “light” again.
Work has been overwhelming. Lots of air travel, lots of going to one place or another for one thing or another. Things that absolutely need to get done now. Things that need to get done soon. Things that should get done eventually. And the daily things that pop up demanding immediate attention. And then the downright mundane things I’m not responsible for, that still happen to require my immediate attention. I need to start reminding myself again to focus on what is “important”, and not just on what is “urgent”. And I need to stop being so freaking available to everyone at moment’s notice.
Conferences are always overwhelming. Last week was no less so. It’s left me feeling quite out of sorts this week. Disoriented. I came back to work with a comfortable schedule of things to do. Then discovered over the days that there was way more than I had planned. And the comfortable schedule of things to get done by Friday… won’t get done by Friday. It’s stressful and irritating.
I’ve not any weekends to myself. Perhaps should have realized this in scheduling my life, but it all looked so OPEN when it started. Now I’ve not a free weekend for 5 weeks in a row. And what do I do with the free weekends? Guqin classes. If it isn’t one thing to do, it’s another. At this point, I’ve not a truly free weekend until mid-June. And I bet it’ll book up soon. This week I’ve been studying my schedule. I need a vacation NOW. Not in 3 months.
All this aside, this is not why I started this blog entry. Today I discovered my cousin’s blog. He started it to help him cope with his wife’s breast cancer. It’s a cousin that I never really got to know well. Among the many that were just a lot older than me, so I was always too young to have much to converse about. As a kid I was pretty quiet. Developed a reputation with the family as someone who just didn’t get too close. I kinda hid behind my parents emotionally, and never really got to know any of them. Conversely, they never really tried to get to know me either. But the result is that, the people who should know me best have entirely inaccurate ideas of what I’m like, and who I am. And after decades of misconception, it’s hard to go changing their minds. They don’t think I care that much. Perhaps they don’t care that much either.
Since I heard about his wife’s cancer diagnosis, I’ve thought a lot about them. Sent my prayers out to them. But never spoke to them. Partly my old pattern of not reaching out to them. Partly just that I didn’t know them too well, and felt awkward approaching them now. Especially since we live so far away anyway. I read his blog tonight. I never got to know this side of him. It makes me wish I knew him better. He seems like a sweet and genuine guy. But at this point, I just don’t know how to reach out. What can I do anyway, aside from spewing out complacencies?
Anyway, massively overbooked day tomorrow. Mostly things that were outside of my control. I really need to start drawing the line somewhere. Meanwhile, must rest up…
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