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No pill
May 8, 2009
I was away for a week. There was a conference I had to go to, and I stayed at the house of a good friend who I’ve not seen in over a decade. It was good to see her again, but I felt bad because the trip was really focused on conference and I barely had time to catch up and hang out. We did a little over the weekend, but not a whole lot. Sleep was also limited, partly because of busy-ness, partly because of sleeping in a new place. It was warm, humid, and rainy the whole time, which sucked. The conference went well overall, and I met some important people to meet.
Then I spent two days visiting with a good friend who I also happen to like. I’ve known him two years now but yet hadn’t met in person. It was nice that he was pretty much the way I expected him to be. Meeting him confirmed to me that he was this super awesome guy that I thought he was. Especially since he likes to put up a tough front. He had some unexpected issues though around the time I got there to visit him, so we had to adjust our plans. First night, we went for sushi at a place that was highly recommended. I have to say it wasn’t quite as good as I hoped. I slept at my hotel room for the night, and the next morning we basically had to change our plans and deal with his emergency issues. So after that, we spent the afternoon being lazy, walking around the park with his dog, laying on the grass, and then taking an afternoon nap before dinner and movie. We ended up being the only people in the theatre, so it was kind of neat. The next morning was beautiful, and we went hiking in the mountains. That was fun. Then we went to tour a tea factory, had a late lunch before my flight home.
Since then I’ve been struggling to figure out what it all meant to me. He is who he is. Nothing really was a surprise. Nothing changed in regards to how we feel about each other. We’re really good friends. I wouldn’t change that for the world. It’s not easy to find someone as compatible in the world as this. For that I’m very grateful. But on the issue of that I like this guy - this is where I’m struggling. His self-perceived weaknesses? Those I can completely accept and deal with. Does he care about me? Is he protective? I don’t even doubt it for a moment. But on the same token, I need someone who can demonstrate to me what he is feeling. In actions or in words. Spontaneously and not only when asked. Partly it’s a weakness on his part. Partly it’s a weakness on mine. This fundamental issue makes me think - is it even worth continuing to mull over this issue? Should I just move past this and accept the positive aspects of our friendship for what it is, and desire nothing more? And more fundamentally, what is it that I desire?
I told him that nothing changed from how I saw him on this visit, but that is probably false. Maybe meeting him has helped me move closer to coming to terms with what things are and what things should be. What hasn’t changed is that I love him and trust him. What has changed is perhaps a gradual clarification of the quality of this emotion. More crudely put, I want to take care of him, but perhaps not necessarily sleep with him.
I dunno. Like I said, it’s a gradual clarification that will take time. But I’m glad I went to see him. And regardless of where things end up, I do sincerely hope this is the beginning of a long and fulfilling friendship.
And what about this “no pill” title? Well, wouldn’t it be so much easier if there was a pill I could take to straighten this all out? Alas, it doesn’t always work that way.
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