Only thing that matters
January 19, 2010
It took a long time, many years, for me to finally understand that nothing in this world really matters aside from the people you care about. And now that I have finally figured out this truth, it hurts me so much that I keep finding myself caring about people who don’t appreciate this.
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“Home” for the “holidays”
December 18, 2009
As the time to go home for the holidays approaches, I find myself feeling ambivalent about things this year. This sentiment is apparently multifactorial.
First of all, I’m starting to feel like this is home now and I don’t want it to change. I like my apartment and am comfortable with it. I really like my neighbourhood and everything I can do around here. I have good friends here. Meanwhile, back “home” no longer feels like home. It’s still my room, but with me gone my parents have gone ahead and moved things around a little to fix around the house. It’s gone in somewhat of a hibernation mode. Plus all the things I like that were in it, I’ve taken here. Despite this, my good friends here are slowly leaving, even from here. One already moved back to Germany. Another is moving to Canada this holiday. Another is back in Spain for vacation, but will soon be going home also in half a year. I don’t want them to go.
Second of all, with the prospect of job searching and interviews in the next while, I’ve come to realize I’m not ready to move on, not mentally in the place where I can convince myself to get excited about leaving this city and start something new. It’s like I’ve only just gotten here. Don’t take me wrong, my plan is certainly to move again. It just feels so early to be even thinking about it, when I’m only just starting to get used to this place.
Finally, work has gotten so busy that there’s a lot of things I actually have no choice but to work on / finish this holiday. Manuscripts. Talks. Documents. They need to be ready the moment I get back. So really it isn’t going to be much of a holiday.
So what is it? It’ll be me, in a place where I no longer feel comfortable, trying to get things done. Knowing that I’m using up precious vacation days to basically go to a different city and do work. Knowing that I’d rather be spending it somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Perhaps it’ll all make sense when I get back there. I do have friends and family I want to see.
Merry Christmas.
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Wonder
December 14, 2009
Sometimes I wonder if you still read this… and how you are doing…
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Good thing
December 3, 2009
Why is it that they can’t see a good thing even though they are staring it in the face?
Men make absolutely no sense to me. Less so every day.
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Sign
November 2, 2009
It seems that perhaps there is a big sign on my forehead that says, “Free emotional intimacy here! No commitment required.” What do these fuckers take me for?
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Caveats
October 30, 2009
It’s been a pretty successful week on paper. If I wrote it all out in a factual sense, the only thing wrong is my sprained ankle. Work and personal life would seem to be going pretty well. Pretty amazingly actually. And yet there is a disconnect, and I’m feeling melancholic again.
The sprained ankle is leaving me very restless. I am frustrated that I can’t exercise. Can’t do my ballet bootcamp class. Can’t go running. Can’t go hiking. I’m also frustrated that I can’t go out dancing this weekend with friends. The ankle just won’t take being upright for long intervals. In fact I still can’t completely put my foot down on the ground to bear weight.
And then when you go further into the details of these very positive factual things, there’s all these and caveats. Everything that’s going well is basically, “going well except that…” And I’m not just exaggerating this out of my internal misery or something. Everything really does have a huge caveat. And it’s the caveats that are making me feel sad.
Doesn’t help that someone is throwing a big party tonight on the back street.
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Friends
October 26, 2009
You know that old addage, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”? That has gotten me a bit upset today.
Since I sprained my ankle on Saturday, going to the opera hurt like crap. I was walking on it, but really shouldn’t have been. Sunday, was supposed to go downtown with a friend and had to change plans and just hang out at my place. Today had to work from my bed, because really still can’t put my foot down enough to negotiate the stairs out of my building. Hobbling/hopping around to do things.
Two of the friends I would consider closest at this time asked me on chat if I needed anything. I asked if they’d come over and I assumed they both would at certain times.
I dunno, maybe I am being nitpicky. But I’m feeling more and more annoyed in general. I generally pull an independent front, so maybe when I say I need something, I’m not very convincing about it. First I was a bit annoyed at cooking dinner last night. But at least he brought me some essential groceries I asked for. But neither friends came over. Both were too busy. One I understand because she is recovering from mono and is tired herself. The other I call my best friend. She had things to finish tonight. Including things she had to ask me over chat. But she didn’t have time to walk 3 minutes to get over to my place after work. This, compared to this other friend who came in from half an hour away and spent 8.5 hours with me that I really just met a month ago.
She says, she saw me on Saturday and will see me tomorrow in class. Yeah. After I force myself to walk on this ankle to get to class on the other side of the city. Will I do it? Yes. Does this mean I am fine? No.
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Spill
October 24, 2009
Ugh! I am so fucking mad at myself! I was all planning to wake up early again and take another walk by the coast, get some groceries, then come home and get some things done before the opera tonight. Well I didn’t get out of the house until nearly 11am, so decided that it wasn’t worth the trip out. Went for a run in the nearby park instead. After running down a slope, I tripped and slid 2 feet before stopping. Ended up spraining my left ankle and scraping up both my knees. Jammed the keys in my pocket into my side. Thankfully it was cold and I had my sleeves pulled down - no scrapes on the hands.
Then I was so mad at myself for being such a ‘tard, that I made myself walk 10 blocks to the supermarket to get my groceries, then walk the 10 blocks home. My ankle hurts like hell! Stupid fuck. Well definitely no heels or dress tonight to the opera. Unless I want to show off my Halloweenish knees.
‘Tard.
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Needs work
October 2, 2009
I had an ah-ha moment the other day. I have put a lot of work into my career, but very little into my body image. So why should it come as a surprise that one is doing better than the other? If success in work is no pain no gain, why can I somehow expect that good health and a good figure should just happen without my effort?
It’s amazing that I’ve not realized this before. Everything is a trade off, and if I want to feel and look good, then I shouldn’t just eat ice cream or pizza or whatever just because it astes good. Or skip the gym just because I’m feeling lazy.
It’s not like you’d see me skipping work just because it’s fun. Or sleeping in instead of going to work because I’m feeling lazy. I’ll drag my ass in come rain or shine.
So why should maintaining my health be any different?
The last two weeks I’ve picked up a challenge with some girls at work to lose 5% weight by October 31. Of course the intention from all parties is to continue beyond that. But short term goals in attainable steps first. So far I’m about halfway there. The other girls are doing the South Beach Diet. Me, I’m going the traditional route and counting calories (1500 cals/day) and exercising. Since starting this challenge I’ve done 3 sessions of 60 minutes on the elliptical at the gym, a half day hike (to be repeated tomorrow), and several sessions of exercise on my Wii. Both the Wii Fit and the EA Sports Active routines. Next week I’m starting a ballet bootcamp class with my best friend at the gym.
I prefer my method because it’s more realistic than South Beach. If I eat crappy food on this diet, I just have to rebudget the rest of my day to balance it out. Meanwhile, those girls have to avoid all carby foods. And then life happens and then they are “cheating”. Today I had a doughnut and a slice of pizza, but stayed within the 1500 cal range because I planned the rest of the day’s food around it.
Will update you on my progress.
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Fun times
August 9, 2009
I just deleted 139 spam comments from my moderation list. I’m glad I have set this so that comments have to be moderated before being published. And that I can mark them as spam. Fun times.
I have been eyeing this blog nearly every day all summer, but haven’t found the time or desire to write about anything. I keep thinking I should write something so that the word “jinxed” wasn’t at the top. So now it’s “Fun times”. Hehe…
I’ve said this before, it seems the more things I’ve been up to and the more fun I’m having, the less I’m likely to blog about anything. Perhaps it’s just more fun to complain when there’s something upsetting. And just live when there’s nothing upsetting. Overall, since classes ended, I’ve been trying to get my research done, but it’s going super slowly because I found myself working on new grant applications. Now that one is submitted and the other one is awaiting approval by the insititution to get sent in, I’m working in high gear trying to get this research done. Aside from that, I can’t even remember every detail of the things I have been doing. Getting my clinical work done for this half-year. I have all my weeks on service, weekend calls, and clinics scheduled during the summer so I can concentrate on classwork once they start again in September. Spent 2 weeks back home, eating a lot of good food, visiting with family and friends, and gaining a few pounds which still hasn’t been lost. Had an embarrassing episode of near-syncope in the airplane, resulting in me trashing my plans to work out and diet the moment I got back. And then I’ve just been lazy. Working and going out. I’ve been more active in daily life - went out dancing, going out for walks (and considering the slopes around these parts, it’s a real workout), opting to walk instead of taking the bus when feasible. The weather has been great, and it’s super helpful that the sun goes down way after 8pm. So much more time to be out and about! What else… spent a lot of money - eating nice food, buying nice clothes… went to a spa once with a friend during my vacation to get pampered. We did the summer special, which was a pedicure, manicure, and massage for me. I upgraded the mani to a french one. Worked out at the gym there first (love their gym, you get what you pay for). Afterwards ate fancy food again with my friend. Hehe. Fun times.
I’ve been trying to get my mind of men in general for the summer. Considering I’m still recovering, plus all the traveling and working. Enjoying time with my friends and family. Fun times.
This morning I spent the first hour wondering what was causing the alarm-like vibrating every 5 minutes or so. First thought it was a neighbour’s doorbell. Then maybe some defective alarm. Finally realized it was my pager. Haha! It had gone off at 7am, from some floor entirely not related to what I do. And no further attempts to page, so I’m assuming it’s a mistake. I’m not even on call this weekend, so whatever. Fun times.
Yeah. Fun times. ;)
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